Have a Baby by Me Baby

Each workday at about 2:30 I am asked by 50 Cent if I would like to have a baby by him and be a millionaire. I find it remarkable that this lyrical proposition didn’t reach my ears until I moved 5,000 miles away from his sultry voice. What’s more, he is not the only one who is trying to spark a long distance relationship with me; nearly everyday I’m being introduced to either a new English-speaking song or band, from 50’s Baby by Me and Friday by the equally talented Rebecca Black to Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros and Soko. Now, I’m not exactly a music aficionado, but I would like to think I know more about the US and English-speaking music scene than your average Chilean. That turns out not to be the case. Likewise, I found this to be true when I lived Denmark; everyone seems to know more about the US and English-speaking culture than I do. The best explanation I can find for this phenomenon is called “Public School Envy.” Such a ridiculous statement needs a little clarification. See if you can follow me on this one.
     According to this theory put forth by Joseph Lapolla—who holds a Bachelor’s in Political Science and more importantly a Minor in Karate from Radford University—those who have the greatest access to the latest fashion/music care the least and are on average the least knowledgeable. In evidence Lapolla, also known as JoeyLa or Reege, offers up his childhood experience. JoeyLa’s mother was determined to make a good catholic out of him. Henceforth he was banished to the private catholic school world of navy blue slacks and button down shirts. With the scientific rigor of your average 10 year-old, JoeyLa claims that every last child at St. Leos was absolutely convinced that the “public school kids” sported the most fashionable clothes and listened to the coolest music. This caused many of them, including JoeyLa, to develop a psychological complex of being uncool and nerdy. To remedy this JoeyLa and his choirboy friends, Similar to my friends in Chile and Denmark, embarked on a trendsetting arms race to keep pace with the public school kids.
    Unlike the Cold War, this arms race was destined to go hot. Realizing that her son was about as Catholic as Voltaire, Mrs. Lapolla relented and sent JoeyLa headlong into the Fairfax County Public School System. So, after several years of stockpiling Jnco jeans, Stussy and No Fear shirts, Adidas sambas, Air Walks, AirJordans, anything Mossimo, and everything from Pacific Sun Wear, JoeyLa got his chance to face the public school kids on their own turf. For the first day of 6th grade at Greenbriar West Elementary JoeyLa methodically laid out a battle plan that involved a pair of “bad ass” skull emblazed “Death Valley” lacrosse shorts and a Stussy shirt that had an image of a Rastafarian guy giving the peace sign. It was perfect.


(Soko is french but sings primarily in english, reminds me of kate nash)

       To his surprise, JoeyLa not only held his own against his public school idols/rivals, he demolished them. The nicest and first kid he met on the playground that day didn’t stand a chance. He couldn’t understand how this kid, Korby, who seemed nice enough, would voluntarily wear khaki shorts and a checkered button down shirt. “That dude might as well have been wearing a St. Leo’s uniform except that St. Leo’s would have been an improvement to what he was wearing,” says JoeyLa. He was shocked; no girls were pregnant, there weren’t any gangs, fighting was nonexistent, and worst of all they all dressed normal—jeans and polo shirts. He looked around and realized he was suddenly the coolest guy in public school. He, Joseph Lapolla, was going to have to teach the public school kids about mall fashion. By the end of the 6th grade JoeyLa had the whole class in Jnco Jeans and Air Walk shoes.



    Here in Chile I feel like the shoe is on the other foot; I am the public school kid walking into the private school. I’m the dork. In a way English is the public school system of the World, and the United States is Bayside High.

(Giuliano y Nico: the whole office played March Madness and loved it. these are the winning brackets)

   
     This of course comes with two caveats. First, many feel US dominance is coming to an end, and it is almost chic to denounce US culture as crass and overconfident. That however doesn’t stop any of my friends from Denmark, Guatemala, Chile, France and Germany from listening to music and wearing clothes promoted in the US. How long this obsession will last is perhaps less certain than the US’s dominance. Every store you walk into, every party you go to the music is, for the most part, in English, and mostly from the US. Granted not all is exactly on the cutting edge—every grocery store jams out to late 80s early 90s; I love it. During the Christmas season, when it is summer here, they blast “White Christmas” and “Frosty the Snowman.” Everyone wants to do, wear, and listen to what the “public school nation” is doing, wearing and listening to, regardless of any inherent value.
   That brings me to my second caveat. Exporting everything isn’t exactly ideal. I am not exactly proud of exporting “Jersey Shore,” 50 Cent, or Rebecca Black. But, there is a difference to those people who listen to 50 Cent here and those in the US; a playlist here pumps out 50 Cent, Pantera, Red Hot Chile Peppers, Dave Matthews, Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros, Jimmy Buffett, Ok Go, Death Cab for Cutie, and Old Crow Medicine Show. They listen to anything and everything without feeling trapped into one genre by peer pressure. If it’s in English and from the US it gets air time. Hopefully, in time, I, too, will be able to educate my public school nation about today’s Jnco Jeans--or maybe not.


(Of course i know acdc but you have to check out this chilean rendition)